Moody.

No no, I’m fine. March has been one of my more moodier months. And it’s ending.
It’ll be April tomorrow… wow. Time flies.

Time is such a hard thing to grasp. It’s so abstract, passing until it’s gone, gone until we’re old. Memories are made and we’re caught in the moment, then the next day it’s gone and we’re living a new memory, until all these bits and pieces disappear into the past, and the present seems even more unreal than those blurry days from forever ago. It’s difficult to understand. How we’re really just stuck in this life that just keeps moving forward, and forward, and even if you can’t keep up it won’t wait. And you just push along, not really getting what’s happening until it’s over. And when it’s over and you look back, you’re thinking, what the heck just happened? And you can’t really answer, except in one single word that’s supposed to summarize that entire experience. “Fun. Long. Dull. Hard. Easy. Unexplainable..” Time doesn’t make sense.

But once again, I’m rambling. I really haven’t rambled in a long time… this is what happens when I’ve gone so long without blogging. (It’s only been two weeks?) The busy life of school is finally starting to catch up with me. Or perhaps I’m just becoming lazier. But it’s not only school; it’s my life. There’s just been so many feelings that seem a bit too personal to be exclaiming over the internet, so I’ve been venting those emotions in a separate journal. I just can’t go without writing. Releasing.

But anyway, I don’t have much to say after such a long break, because all these emotions have been confusing and I can’t exactly list them out like a checklist titled ”All the feelings you’ll feel in life.” (I seriously feel as if I’ve been through them all in this one short month, but of course that’s impossible.) So I’m not even going to try to bother blogging about them, since my mind can’t even process it all without being thoroughly confused. A mood ring would probably explode. But let me tell you- it’s been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. It really just makes me want to sleep.

But I’ve been thinking about something else regarding love- is it possible to cheat on someone even when you truly love that person? I know the common answer is no, but I’ve been seriously contemplating this question. I’m not talking about cheating in a relationship before marriage (that’s a deal breaker), but about marriage (which isn’t honestly something I can talk about, because I don’t have the slightest clue what it’s about). Isn’t it possible for love to get dull after a while, and for temptation to creep in on a man (or woman) until he gives in? Of course he’d come back crying for forgiveness if he truly loves her, but he still cheated, right?

I don’t know if it matters at all.
I really just don’t know anymore.

i’m losing it.

Ready, set, … …?

Well. I’m laughing right now. My ears and fingers are frozen, my breathing is hard, my face is red, and I’m so utterly soaked. But I’m laughing.

Today was the John’s Creek 5k race- a fundraiser. It’s supposed to be the time of your life, with music and balloons and free food everywhere you go. And if you win the race, you get- more free food. And I was looking forward to this 5k since the beginning of this week, asking every friend of mine if he/she was going. Only two said yes. Everyone else replied with a “Dude. It’ll be cold and rainy- do you really think it’s worth it? You’ll probably get sick.” But I said, who cares? It feels better to run in colder weather anyway.

Well, here’s the deal- I missed out. I woke up at 7:40; the race started at 8. And when I realized the time, I shot out of bed and blindly ran around the little space in my crowded room, pulling out drawers and digging out the exercise clothes that had been buried in the deepest depths of my drawers; I hadn’t run since summer. At that moment I got a text- “Where are you? It’s about to start in a minute!” And then I sat down and thought, wow. I’m going to be late. And upon realizing that, I slowed down. It should have motivated me to hurry up, but I didn’t.

I knocked on my mother’s door and asked her if I should still go; she shot out of bed faster than I did. As I was just starting to pour the Frosted Flakes in my cereal bowl, she was already opening the drawers to find her keys. Except they weren’t there. So we spent 5 minutes searching for her keys; she found some, tried them, and realized they weren’t the right keys; we spent another 5 minutes searching for them again. Once we finally started to get going, it was 8:10. But there’s more. Once we finally arrived in the general area of the place, we drove around for another 20 minutes trying to find Lifetime- the gym where the starting line was.

We couldn’t find the place until a policeman was nice enough to smirk at us and point us in the right direction, while trying (and failing) to hold back his laughter. When we got there, people were already finishing the race. And so I went home, disappointed and at loss for words. I had missed the race. I had missed the race.

The whole time, my mom was in hysterics, laughing all the way home. “That was a good experience. Ohhhoho, that was a good experience.” And I was shaking my head, thinking to myself, I didn’t get to experience anything. So I went home and took a lap around my neighborhood, angry that I hadn’t run just thirty minutes earlier. And I ran in the cold, windy weather with the rain pouring down, until I finally started laughing with the adrenaline that was pumping through my veins. Nothing mattered.

And now here I am. So I didn’t get to experience that amazing feeling of finishing a 5k- that motivation of pushing on, pushing on, pushing past the maximum that you can push. I probably wouldn’t have been able to without fainting anyway, since I honestly haven’t had a good run since summer. But who cares? It was a good experience. Of what? Well, I don’t know. Of getting up on my time. Of motivating myself a bit more. Of going to Lifetime- now that I know where it is- to get on a treadmill every now and then. Of running in the rain and experiencing a bit more of what’s bigger than me. Of disappointment. Of life. I mean, if I hadn’t missed the race, then I wouldn’t be so motivated right now to go to the next 5k that happens. At least I had signed up and gotten out of bed- that’s the first step, right? Well, it’s a huge step for me at least, because I’m not the type of person to go to these huge fundraiser things anyway. So it’s a start.

Well, this morning was a refresher to this past week, anyway, since I’ve been having mood swings faster than a mood ring could read. Happy, sad, happy, sad, angry… it’s frustrating. And all these emotions have simply made me lazy, unwilling to get up every morning and live another day, and even more unwilling to pick up a Bible and read where I had left off a few weeks ago. It’s a horrible feeling. But maybe after today, I’ll be back to my old regular self. Maybe I’ll be able to finally get moving again, after these past two weeks of a standstill. Sometimes you just need a break before you can leap forward again, you know?

Insignificance.

I never really realized how small and insignificant we actually are.

Last saturday, I was sitting in this beachy-like area near a creek, digging my toes in the sand and enjoying the 80-degree weather. Then my friend started talking about space. Did you know that there’s more planets in space than there is grains of sand? And that the amount of peas to fill up a football field equals the amount of galaxies there are? That’s ridiculous. I have never, ever, ever imagined Earth to be so tiny. It’s literally just another speck on this long roll of black paper, and here we are, thinking we’re on top of the world, and that everything that happens is just so big, so traumatic, so life-changing… but how big are we really? We’re nothing. We’re ants. Even smaller, probably. 

Then it makes you wonder if there might be another Earth out there somewhere. They were like no- it’s too hard to get anywhere as perfect as Earth is. But if there’s that many planets… isn’t there a possibility? That some alien is living the same life that I’m living? Or that another planet is starting somewhere else, with nomads and farmers and sudden discoveries of fire? And then you get another thought- why in the world would God even care about such insignificant beings like us? To send His son down so that we could live better lives? Why would he even take a second glance at us imperfect, disgusting beings? Why would he want to?

Well, there’s nothing to do but to be thankful. Gosh, I should be thanking him every second of my life for still being here. It’s just … too much love. So much love. You never really realize things like this, you know? Always caught up with what’s up and what’s down that it never really occurs to you that there’s still God, and that He’s so very real- not just some distant godlike figure and not a teddy bear either. But God.

These days have been amazing. The weather probably makes up a half of that amazingness- perfect, breezy, warm days. It’s those kinds of days that reminds of you those days on the beach or the lazy nights out on vacation. The days that you just can’t spend by yourself, because the breeze is just begging you to go laugh with someone, to spend time, to take a walk, to hold hands, to have dinner outside. And my friends make it that much better. Life is good.

Let’s be Angry Lovers.

Today was the day to ruin my constant, nonstop roll of happiness. Today was the day that I felt angry. That I felt upset, and horrible, and sick to my stomach. That I finally walked home with tears in my eyes and sat down as I cried to the sky- why? But I wasn’t sad. I was angry.

I have never felt this angry before. It wasn’t one of those “Wow, what she did was really stupid” kind of things, or a “Gee, I should have deserved better” kind of angry. It was a “UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” kind of angry- the kinds of angry where you can’t even blurt out tangible words because it just ends up in a frustrated yell, and when you finally manage to start talking you can’t stop until you’re burnt out from taking too many breaths. And then the tears start coming, and you’re confused, and you just want to punch something.

And I’m not the violent type either, let me assure you. This feeling was completely new. I couldn’t recognize it. I was scared of it. I didn’t know what to do. What do I think when the ex-guy-of-my-dreams turns into a monster? When everything I loved him for turns out to be fake? A play, an act? He fooled me; I thought he was better. And it hurt to know that I had fallen for him. A guy who’s no different from his immature friends, when I thought all along that he was. How do I act? He’s not like this. He’s not like this.

And he’s not. He’s not a monster. He’s human. I’m human. And everything I just wrote in that paragraph above isn’t true. It was what my anger exaggerated it to be; in reality, he was just acting as any typical male would act after a breakup. A friend called me to calm me down- talk some sense to me. And I realized how idiotic I was acting. And I realized how much my anger had blinded me from seeing anything at all. How I was so caught up with some little actions and blew it up into a huge ordeal that got me yelling and crying by the end of the day.

But do you know what’s funny? Love blinds you too. Or perhaps the infatuation stage does. When all you can really see is that one person, and you can’t even see that person clearly either. Because everything’s just too great, and you’re just too much in love and in the clouds that you don’t realize you can’t see a thing. Love and anger. They’re actually so similar. If you can’t control either of them, they just spiral out of control until it’s a huge chaotic mess. Emotions on completely opposite sides of the spectrum…

I need to start writing again about things other than my pathetic love life story. It’s just too much for me to handle and not blog about though. I hate being angry, I really do. It makes it too easy to snap at that one person who’s stuck by your side this whole crazy time.

Love is real.

So many thoughts… I can’t contain. I can’t remember everything. I can’t string them into sentences…

Love.
Is it real when you’re a teenager? Is a teenage boy and a teenage girl capable of feeling such intense emotions for each other in high school? To be able to depend on each other with that blinding, trusting faith? To feel the same love that we feel for our God? I don’t want to say no… I’ve grown up my entire life with fairytale images about this word- love. But can teenagers really make that decision to commit after that infatuation stage? And to pose an even different view- is it even necessary to have a companion in high school when you’re surrounded by all these friends, people, relationships around you? I answered no- but I told myself that you can’t help it if you like someone; that it only makes sense to get together and see where it leads. But that’s passion; nowhere in the Bible does it say that love is passion. It says that love is kind, patient, not boastful (1 Corinthians 13)… is that possible when you’re fifteen and not even a third through life yet? We’re younger than we think; it’s ridiculous how we think we’re at the top of the world. But I suppose that’s just the way it is; it’s how we mature, grow older, and realize that there’s a bit more to life than making good grades and finding a date to prom.

I broke up with him.

Love.
It’s what caused my mother to comfort me, to give me advice, to buy me a perfect Chik-fil-A breakfast on Saturday morning. It’s what made her take me to a spa and stop me from sending him an apology letter.
It’s what makes her such a good mother.
It’s what caused my friends to check up on me second after second even after my months of negligence. It’s what made them take the time out of their Saturday morning/afternoon/ evening to talk to me, to tell me it’s okay, to tell me I did the right thing. It’s what makes the world go round.
It’s what God showed us. It’s what caused Him to give us His son…

It’s starting to piece together. Maybe I still don’t know what love is when it involves a guy and a girl in a romantic sense… but I know that it exists so much more strongly in other ways.

It started snowing today; it’s like a fresh start. A new beginning. A huge eraser. And it’s March (March 1st to be specific)… there’s always time for renewal. Expect the unexpected. I’m… happy.